I made these up for a friend's birthday party. But they apply to you, too!
Aries: You are cute and stubborn, and will find yourself on rough terrain in the near future. Just like the image of your constellation.
Taurus: A very meta constellation, you will spend an inordinate amount of time deciding whether the Eastern or Western zodiac has more basis in reality.
Gemini: Not only do you have a long lost twin, but you will feel great anguish in the coming weeks as she suffers horrible caffeine withdrawal symptoms.
Cancer: You will eventually come to an end in the belly of Sarlaac, where you will find a new definition of pain and suffering as you are slowly digested over a thousand years.
Leo: After rearing offspring, you will experience an uncontrollable urge to devour your young, as the shape of your constellation suggests.
Virgo: As presidential power increases exponentially, a president will restore the Roman Empire's Vestal Virgins and punish the loss of virginity with by burying the newly unchaste alive.
Libra: You like balance, but Ayn Rand opposed compromise between food and poison. Ayn Rand doesn't like you.
Scorpio: Let's just say you should avoid crossing rivers.
Sagittarius: A centaur? Really? I'm not a mystic. No horoscope for you.
Capricorn: As the goat who suckled the infant Zeus, you will be rewarded by a lover who can transform into a bull at will.
Aquarius: As the water bearer, you are charged with carrying drinks down to your friends. You are actually one of the more useful constellations.
Pisces: Life is repetitive, but you won't notice because you can only remember the last second and a half.